MTV'S SECOND CHANCE
Wendy asked me to write a blog about it and MTV wants to know what I thought about my nomination.
Last Monday I received a MTV movie award nomination for best villain.
I'm honored to be listed among other actors who I admire...one in particular is Heath Ledger.
The tragic loss of such a great artist mirrors my own life in many ways. I've been moved by a sequel of events to try and explain what I mean by this.
I have always tried my best to keep my private life private, as much as is possible in the very public career I’ve chosen to pursue, but for reasons that will become clear as you read on, I feel that sharing a certain part of my personal life experience will allow some to better understand who I am and maybe in some way help some one else in their life.
Over two years ago after the break up of my marriage, I found myself and my life spiraling out of control. I wasn't able to cope with the pain that I felt inside and started finding ways to bury that pain. I wasn't able to sleep, because my mind kept racing. I was haunted by thoughts of despair and hopelessness. I kept telling myself that I wasn't enough and felt that if I was “enough” then my marriage would not have failed. It was a very dark and lonely world and being in a heartless Hollywood didn't help.
Even though I fought this SHAME and EMPTINESS I felt inside me, those dark forces and the overwhelming self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy became overwhelming. Given the amount of alcohol and prescription drugs (sleeping pills, pain killers, zanax etc.) that I took, there were days were I now know that I was truly lucky to wake up in the morning. Another actor and artist that I respected very much, Heath Ledger, unfortunately, wasn’t so lucky and found himself the victim of such a deadly mix. I so easily could have had the same thing happen to me. I'm not saying by any means that what I was going through was what Heath was going through. But I can't help, but mirror it to my life.
